Welcome to the Dr. Stacey Show, where we are talking about all things faith, love, and wellness as it relates to raising kids. I'm your host, Dr. Stacey, and today I am super excited to have joining us Candice Berg. She is a licensed clinical social worker and an author of Yuri and the Copycat Chameleon. Alongside her writing, Candice is a dedicated mental health therapist specializing in working with children, teens, tweens, and adults. Her writing draws inspiration from the social-emotional themes that she has encountered through her therapeutic career. Candice creates stories that resonate deeply with young readers. Her passion lies in helping children navigate their emotions, build confidence through the power of storytelling. Candice lives in North Carolina with her dog, Roo. Candice, thanks so much for being on the show today. thank you for having me i'm so excited to be here so thank you thank you thank you for extending this invitation absolutely i'm excited to dive in because even in our pre-show talk we were talking all all things emotional wellness and this emotional journey tell us a little bit about i'm going to start with the book because i just love it and talk a little bit about yuri how you came up with this book and your concepts behind the book and emotional wellness Yes. So we have Yuri and the Copycat Chameleon. It's a colorful book about feelings. This book draws inspiration from my experience as an outpatient therapist. I've also been in the school setting as a school social worker as well. And so I have had so much experience with our young boys and their emotion expression, their emotion identification skills. And so This book was birthed by the need to expand emotion vocabulary for our black and brown boys. So Yuri and the Copycat Chameleon, a colorful book about feelings, it walks us through a colorful mission from Yuri and his little copycat chameleon. He suspects that His chameleon is copying him, changing his colors to match his mood. And he goes on a mission to kind of catch him in the act, if you will. And so this book kind of walks us through that mission. And there are a few... different characters that we get to meet along the way. One of those being my four-year-old nephew, Elijah, and my now a twelve-year-old cousin, Blake. And so this book, it's near and dear to my heart and I'm so glad that it's finally out here for others to experience. Absolutely. I purchased it. I saw you at a book fair. I picked it up. I loved it. I was like, I already sent it out and shipped it out to folks because one of the things, the fact that it's colorful, right? Like I love that, but it's also helping kids to understand emotional language. And that's something, and parents need that as well, right? To say, hey, what's the language, the terminology. Talk to me a little bit with Yuri and just some of the resources within the book that actually helps parents with emotional language. Yes. So along Yuri's colorful mission, he kind of stumbles upon the idea of mixed emotions and mixed emotions is actually something that that comes up for our kids around the age range that this book is for five to eight. And some nine-year-olds can enjoy it as well. But, you know, anyone can really enjoy it. But that five to eight range, they are learning about the concept of mixed emotions. And so that happens for Yuri in the book. And at the back of the book, we actually have a therapy tool that I use in my own practice called the Feelings Wheel. And Four of feelings will kind of start you off on those core emotions like happy, sad, anger, like all of those emotions that we are most familiar with. And then it expands to more emotions, more complex emotions to expand your language and give more words for what you may be experiencing. I love that because even with, as we say, complex emotions or mixed emotions, some people may be hearing those terms for the first time. And here you could put it in a children's book where children are learning right at the stage. And I love how you said that at the stage where they're developing is really where this book is kind of targeting. When you think about your work as a therapist and in the schools as a school social work, where does emotions play into even how we view kids in school? Yeah, so, so often as a school social worker, I would see and have interactions with specifically our boys where they would have an outburst of some sort and immediately removed from the classroom, sent to either my office or the school counselor. and, or like an administrator and not really given that grace to truly understand the why behind the behavior. And so as, you know, on the opposite side for some of our girls, we have that freedom to be able to cry if we want to, or, you know, have, you know, have an emotional outburst because we're just feeling our emotions and we have that space and that grace to do so. But with our boys, I find that it is, behavior first and emotion later. And that just, it just never sat right with me. And I, again, that passion for that topic and that experience with our boys and just seeing them When you get a chance to sit down and talk with them, it's like, you know, I was disrespected and that upset me. Or someone stepped on, you know, someone was bothering my book bag and this is my property that I'm, you know, that I'm prideful of. And I don't want anyone to touch it. It's like, let's expand on that. It's not just the behavior. There's so much more. Behavior informs. We shouldn't stop at just behavior. the behavioral outburst. Absolutely. And I always share this story. If anyone's ever heard me when I speak, I talk about like my son. And when he transitioned from like a private first grade to school and public second grade, day three of school, I get this letter from the assistant principal saying that if he continues this behavior, he's going to be suspended. And when I asked the teacher, I'm like, what behavior are we talking about? It was crying. He was missing his mama. literally missing his mama. And yeah, right. And just as you said, but if it was a girl that was crying, would that again, behavior and how we look at that, I do see that even in a personal level, but you're right. We tend to go behavior first with boys from a gender perspective versus saying, Hey, is that anxiety? Is that, you know, depression? What is going on? A lot of times elopement, right? Even teenagers that roam the halls, right? When you sit and talk with them, they'll say the work was overwhelming or I was getting overwhelmed in class. And, you know, it wasn't just they want to be disrespectful and just, you know, roam in the halls. They really are struggling with something. So I love how you said, you know, we have to really think about changing that from saying behavior first to saying, hey, what might be going on? What's that emotion first? People language. When you think about, because again, even being an outpatient therapist, when do you typically see parents really start to talk about emotions and feelings with their kids? I believe that it can start early for some parents. I think that when it is around that toddler stage, it's like, oh, let's talk more about feelings because, you know, the coin term, terrible twos. And so you try to implement those things between the ages of like, maybe like two to four. But then there's this transition that occurs where I think parents kind of transition into the mindset of like, well, you know more, you're learning more, so you should know better. And the education, the teaching should not stop at like that age five, it should actually expand and grow because our feelings are becoming more complex during that age. And so I noticed kind of like this stop until middle school when puberty starts and then high school when you're more independent and you're, you know, you're, you know, puffing out your chest and you're like, you know, those emotions. Right. And so it's like we this five to like the fifth grade, like ten, eleven, like that range. It's so important. This is the most vital thing. point to talk about emotions and expand their language and understanding of themselves. And so it's not something that should start from like two to four and then stop and then pick back up when puberty starts, because now there's a whole other can of worms that we're unpacking at that stage. So yeah, that's what I've noticed. Yeah, and it's so key that you say that because people will ask me, I'm a therapist that works with the littles, right? So K through twelfth grade is my specialty. And then people will say, well, what age typically comes in? And I'm like, it's the five-year-olds, right? It really is, you know, they get through the terrible twos, but then school hits. And to say if we don't and thinking about whose job is it to teach emotional skills? I mean, the school took it on during COVID. Right. We had a lot of social, emotional learning. We have a lot more information now in schools. I definitely say in the last ten years, we've seen that kind of increase even in curriculum to have emotional learning. But it's key when you say, well, whose job is it to really teach emotional skills? And when do we teach that? The terrible twos is perfect. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, that's such a good point because, you know, at age five, they're going to school and then you're sharing that responsibility with the school. But there's so much or not, but and there's so much of that that has to happen at home as well. And so it should be viewed as this collaborative effort. Yes, the schools are ramping up. social emotional learning initiatives and they're they're doing that on the school level but that has to be transferred over at home as well and not just in disciplinary actions it has to be nurturing it has to be um informative it has to be like all those things you're you're you are these are kids who are experiencing life for the very first time everything is new all the information that they're gathering there's always a day where they're going to learn something new and we have to water that these are these are seeds that we're planting for them to grow with our youth and it it's a community effort it's a for for us to an initiative that we have to pour into you And I love how you said that the idea of right seeds, right, that we're watering the seeds and we have to help them. When you think about parents and maybe just like some key tips for like parents, what are two or three things that in your treatment you typically teach parents about like emotional regulation or how they can work with their kids? Yes. So the first one, first and foremost, modeling your behavior. You have to model behavior for kids. You cannot expect for your child to behave in one way and you're doing the complete opposite. Our kids are looking up to us. They are watching our every move. And so if mommy or daddy is having an emotional outburst and they don't truly understand the why, like what the emotion is and how, you know, how mom or dad may choose to regulate their emotions, then that's going to pass off to little Johnny as well, or little Yuri as well. And so that's the first thing that I always say, model behavior for your kids, The second one I would say is to offer your child some grace. Like I said before, these are new experiences. These are new emotions. I always say little humans, big emotions. Sometimes an emotion can feel bigger than their body and they're just learning how to manage and regulate. And so offer a little bit of grace, a little bit of understanding. I know that there's this like gentle parenting that we're talking about now. And then there's the other side of that where it's like, well, you know, gentle parenting for gentle kids. And I get it. I get it. But I also think that there is some grace that should be offered and some understanding, some compassion as your child is learning about their emotions and how to express themselves. And then the third is to really hone in on emotion vocabulary. If you do not have the words to express yourself, you are not going to be able to express yourself efficiently and properly. And so Tameka Jackson- You have to give your child, the language you have to use the language yourself, this is. Tameka Jackson- This is something that can happen at a kitchen table where you're talking about your day, this is something that can happen on the car ride to school it there's so many instances where you can. use language to help your child understand themselves in the world around them. And so that is so important. Absolutely. And it's interesting because even with your book, like Yuri does that, right? He's kind of like the adult that models for his chameleons. So his chameleons changing based on what he's doing. Exactly. But it's interesting, you brought up gentle parenting, and I'm not going to talk about that specific model, but in our space of therapy and when we're working with parents, I always say that becomes the cultural perspective sometimes of saying, well, certain parenting techniques don't work for our kids. And that's why I specifically named my book Love Our Babies Well, right? To say that no, research is for us. all kids these days and we have research that says no these techniques do work for black and brown children these techniques do work for asian children or white children and and so i i think that when we talk about like emotional wellness you were really intentional for your representing not just boys but also representing black and brown boys um specifically talk to me a little bit about i guess even your experience and cultural differences in representation when it comes to emotional wellness in those conversations yes of course so in my mind when the concept of this of yuri and the copycat chameleon came to me i always knew this is going to be a black boy with a big afro like it has to be a black boy with a big afro and i wanted there to be representation for our Black boys to see that emotion, talking about mental health and emotions, it's not for just your white counterparts, your white peers in your classroom. This is for you. These are conversations that we can have. You can see yourself in the media talking about emotion regulation, talking about your vulnerability, talking about the ability to experience a wide range of emotions. And so, you know, thinking for myself, I guess a younger millennial growing up and watching myself watching representation happen for me on, like I said, Disney Channel or all the different forms of media that we would consume growing up. And I would just light up to be able to see myself on TV or to see myself in books, a dark-skinned woman or a dark-skinned girl in books as well. And so I think that It is so important to see yourself and know that there are other people who are having this experience as well. You are not alone in this experience. There are other people who can relate. And I think that that opens up our youth to having more conversations about that, to feel more comfortable having conversations like that. Yes, representation. I mean, I love how you said Disney, because I'm just thinking, like, my daughter, when The Princess and the Frog, that was her first movie in the movie theater, Princess Tiana. That was her Sweet Sixteen theme, because she's like, I mean, that's her go-to movie when she's feeling stressed, overwhelmed. Oh, yes. Yes. It was about representation, even to say, hey, there's a princess that looks like me, right? That, again, and having this now be, because when my son, I didn't have books that I could pull off the shelf where a boy his age was experiencing strong emotions. So I had to go to Scooby Doo. I had to go to two fictional animals and characters. Right. So that's what I appreciate as a mom with Yuri. I mean, now he's a college age kiddo. But and this is a great resource that even as a therapist, but also as a mom, I can pull off the shelf for that boy that looks like my son and say, hey, here's a book about what you're feeling today. your strong emotions. And like you said, he can open the pages and see himself instead of seeing a kid. And we don't necessarily talk about that, but I know specifically, even for some neurodivergent children, for example, they need to see a picture that visually looks like them to connect it to them. This is why social stories are so great if we can use their pictures. So, you know, again, that's a whole nother topic though, because that presentation piece, and I love that you were intentional. from everything of how he looked, the representation in the book is really great. When you think about, again, just kind of working with teens and adolescents, and I know as a clinician, although you work with the littles as well, you also work with twelve and up. Where do you see maybe some of the gaps and with teenagers, for example, and you kind of mentioned that because a lot of times, right, parents will bring in their teenagers because the emotions are high. Puberty is kicking in. Hormones are going. Yes. Work with teenagers. And what are the kind of things that you're teaching teenagers with when it comes to emotional skills? Well, the biggest thing is trust. I always say trust. Twelve and up, they can smell the fear on you. Like if you go in and you're they can they can smell it on you. So I one of the biggest things that that adolescent age range from twelve to eighteen, it is it is truly about. you have to build that level of rapport and that level of trust with them. They have spent so much time boxing emotions up, finding other methods to release those emotions, whether it be locking in on academics or sports or being very in tune with your social environment, with your friends and things of that sort. And so adults, begin to become like this distant, like, I'm not going to share my, what I'm feeling with my teacher or with my school counselor or with my parents. I have my friends for that. I have, you know, I can post on my social media about that. I can, you know, there's so many other outlets that they are leaning on. And I think that whenever I'm having an interaction with that like a twelve to eighteen year old, so many of those sessions are geared towards just breaking down that wall, letting them know that it is okay to share, letting them know that it's a non-judgment zone, that I am not going to judge you for the emotions that you are having, it is a safe space for you to share, and Once that trust is built, they have so much. I don't know if you've ever been in a session. I know you have with a teenager. The tea will get spilled. The tea is going to get spilled in a session. It's just about building that trust first. And that comes from having those conversations when they're younger, building that trust, letting them know that it's a safe space, letting them know, that you can share these things with me and we can work through it together. So. Yeah. It's interesting. And I love how you said that with trust, because so many times our teenagers will say things like, you know, I told my mom about this, but then I still got in trouble. Right. Like, like, or, or expressing their emotions and people saying that as behavior versus them expressing their emotion, because yeah, they are frustrated because the kids are bullying them or they are frustrated because they got too many chores or homework. And yet we don't, peel back behind beyond the behavior to say okay what is that emotion and and that is where they're like nope walls up not gonna talk to you because if I share with you then I'm gonna get in trouble for this or every time I do share with an adult I get in trouble so great creating that atmosphere and I always say listen it's between me and you time that we have together is between me and you. What you want to work on is your time. Because oftentimes we do force our teenagers oftentimes into counseling. But I've also seen a shift where a lot of students are asking now for mental health services. And that's also a shift in the culture and society where mental health is not as much of a stigma with our twelve to eighteen year olds as it was with maybe our twenty and thirty year olds. Right. Yeah. It's been really helpful that they come in wanting to give you the tea. Yeah. And I always say you are the expert on you. I think that especially at this, our youth, they're so used to being told what they feel, what they're like, you go here, you go there from in the education space, they're constantly being told, okay, go to the next period, go, you know, go here, you know, wherever it's so much of their life is planned for them. And I really want the therapy space or the mental health space to to give them a sense of autonomy and know that you you are the expert on you i'm not here to tell you about you you're going to tell me and we're going to work we're going to have a collaborative effort to understand yourself a bit more you know and i'm only here to provide you with additional language additional tools to add to your toolbox. I'm not here to tell you who you are. And a good therapist recognizes that, absolutely. I always tell people, we're not here to give advice. We're here to help you figure out your aha moments and help you figure out what's going on. And I love that. emotional vocabulary piece as we talk about that from, you know, terrible twos all the way through young adults. We're constantly, even with adult clients, we're working on emotional language and communication and helping people to, you know, go from those primary kind of feelings and emotions to more complex to even help. And I love in your book, even with your like mixed emotions, we can be happy about something and sad all at the same time. And then we manage that. And so I think that's great. As we kind of wrap up and close, what would be kind of your final thought and something that you really want to share with parents about emotional wellness? The things that I would like to share, I think that the most important thing is that it's not a linear type of thing that's going to occur. There are going to be ups and downs as it relates to learning about emotions. There are going to be some very frustrating moments as well. there are going to be some like prideful, like, oh, you got it. Yes. Or I love that you implemented this coping strategy right here. You knew exactly how to take care of yourself in this moment. And those moments, it exists on the same timeline. And I think that it is so important to just understand that it is a journey and it is not somewhere, it's not a destination that you just land. You are going to be on this journey all the way up into adulthood. There are moments that I'm still learning about myself and how to regulate my emotions and how to, you know, properly articulate what I'm feeling and express that in an appropriate way. And so- Our parents, our caregivers, you are kind of, I imagine it like they're training wheels on a bike. You are riding off with your child with training wheels. And one day your child will be able to ride without you trailing behind and without the training wheels. But it doesn't mean that they won't fall. You know, it doesn't mean that they won't fall. They might even fall. you know, get a little boo-boo when that happens as well. But the thing is, is that support comes from picking them up and being there and being available for them when you need them, when they need you. And so that's what I would leave, is that it's not a linear thing. It is an ongoing process, an ongoing journey. Yeah, I love that. And so, all right, Candice, so before you go though, I have our joke of the day, our Laffy Taffy moment. And so here we go. And I always say, because again, scripture says Proverbs, that the joyful heart is good medicines around a good little laugh here. All right. What do you call a sad strawberry? What would I call a sad strawberry? A boo-berry? Yes, you got it right! Okay, so in three seasons, you're like the second person to actually get it right. Congratulations. I might have to send you some Laffy Taffy. I don't know what the prize is, but awesome. Yes. How can our guests get, how can our, how can our guests, how can our parents get in touch with you? What are your socials? How can they get the book? I know you also go into schools and read the stories. Tell people how they can get in touch with you. Yeah, so you can find me on TikTok and on Instagram at booksbycandice. You can also find me on my website, which is candiceslibrary.com. On my website, you can purchase my book. You can also schedule an author visit. I would love to come to your school or organization and read my book, Yuri and the Copycat Chameleon, and to do a social lesson with your littles as well. And so please feel free to reach out. I'm also on Facebook, author Candice Burge. Those are all the places that you can find me. My book is on TikTok shop, it's on Amazon, and it is on my website as well. So, yes. Awesome. I love it. All right, families, before we go, we have our Love the Babies Well send off. And today we talked about emotional wellness. And Deuteronomy six, seven reminds us that we are to teach our children from the time we get up to when we're on the roads and to the time we go to bed. And that includes modeling emotional wellness. As Candace said, we have to give grace to our kids when they're having difficult emotions, when they're not sure which emotions they're feeling. But our job is not to judge, not to shut them down. Our job as parents is to be there modeling, supporting, teaching, helping them to grow, planting that seed and then helping to water that seed. Folks, thanks so much today for tuning in to the Dr. Stacey Show. Until next time, keep the faith, love the babies, and pursue wellness.
